I've debated over and over in my mind if I should share this part of our life with you here. Some people might think it's a little too personal. It is personal, but it's part of our story... it's a time in my life I'll never forget for so many reasons.
On April 21st, Gary and I were surprised to learn that we were expecting a new addition to our family. Once the shock wore off, we were elated. I started dreaming of all the things that Elliott and his little sister or brother would do together, how I would decorate the nursery, and how we would share the news. We were so excited, we went ahead and announced our little one (via a big brother t-shirt) to our parents, who were also thrilled. But, before we even made it to our first appointment, something went wrong. I started bleeding. We told several friends we knew would start praying, and I tearfully called the doctor's office to get an earlier appointment.
My tears of fear turned into tears of joy when I saw the heartbeat of our baby that afternoon. Despite the bleeding, our baby was safe. It was love at first sight.
But, later that night the bleeding got heavier and continued all weekend. It was torture. Could our baby still be ok? We had just seen that tiny heartbeat mere hours ago. The weekend drug on for what seemed like a month, and I called to secure another appointment as soon as the office opened Monday morning.
My heart was pounding as I waited to receive what I already knew would be heartbreaking news. My doctor began the ultrasound, and I frantically searched the screen for that little bean we saw just three days earlier. Nothing. Just black. He quietly explained that my baby was gone. My heart broke, right there in his office. I tuned him out as he encouraged me to "think of the healthy little one I had at home", because while I was so thankful for Elliott, thinking of him didn't make the loss of this baby any easier. It may have made it worse, because I knew first hand how in love with this child I would have been. I sobbed as Gary rushed me past the waiting room full of pregnant women to our car.
We came home and held each other as we mourned the loss of our sweet baby. Then we made calls to those few friends and family who knew to relay the news and request prayers for healing.
The next 48 hours were some of the saddest I've known, as I've never lost anyone close to me. I cried and cried thinking of all the things I'd never know about our child. I had no idea how broken your heart could be over the loss of someone you never got to meet. My body felt so empty.
We went and bought a tiny box, and I painted it lime green. I placed our baby's ultrasound in it and we buried it in an empty flower bed beside our house. I just needed some closure. As Gary held me and said his goodbye to our baby, I couldn't help but think that I would remember this moment into my old age. While I was heartbroken, my heart was full... hearing his kind words and feeling his arms around my shoulders... I fell a little more in love with him that night. I never want to forget that moment together.
Something else I never want to forget... the kindness shown to us that week. We got cards, gift cards, flowers, homemade bread, cookies, and more encouraging texts than I can count. The first few days I thought it would be months before I could make it though a day without crying, but suddenly I felt strong again. It's one of those times in your life when you can literally feel the prayers of those you love giving you peace and hope. I know that the words "I'm praying for you" were not just empty promises.
If there is anyone reading who has experienced a miscarriage, I'd like to share some verses that were sent to me in the days following our loss. These promises have been so sweet to me, and I hope you can find hope and peace in them too.
"I see that the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad and my tongue shouts his praises! My body rests in hope. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave. You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." Acts 2
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16
"For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones." Isaiah 49:13
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the Earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2
This weekend we started building a flowerbed over where we buried our angel baby. A friend who lost twins at 12 weeks pregnant brought me a hydrangea. I plan to plant it there. It's been very healing. I look forward to seeing it bloom each year around the time of our loss, reminding me of our baby, of the kindness of our friends to us during this time, and the promise that I will hold that sweet baby one day.
God has been so good to me this week. His presence has been near, even when I have been unable to to draw near to Him. I've seen Him in our friends loving us, in the peace I've felt, and the hugs of a sweet little sixteen month old boy.
We went to a funeral for my future sister-in-law's father Friday. Gary and my Mom didn't want me to make the trip to Texas, in light of what I had been through that week, but I felt like I should go. The pastor gave an excellent message on Lazzurus' death, and I knew He brought me to that funeral because He loves me and wanted me to hear the promises in that message, to remind me that it's not over when we die, because when we die, we live.
Resting in the promise tonight that there will be a day when I will hold my sweet angel baby.
